I need a box.

I wish I could say I've never felt this "punched-in-the-stomach, wind-knocked-out" feeling this strongly before, but I'd be lying. Is it bad when your mother screaming at you to get your shit and get out isn't one of the worst things that's happened to you? Combine this with an action from my past that literally brought me to tears, and I'm a mess. This action made me feel amazing and like shit all at once. I hurt the one person I've always been able to rely on, and maybe the relationship isn't what it used to be and maybe it won't be that way again (see below: you really can't go home again), but I may have irrevocably damaged the ties to the one person who always cared. Not just the person who wanted to party, or only called when they needed something. I feel like a duechebag and rightfully so.

I want a do-over. Is that possible in life? A giant do-over? I've messed up so many things in my life. I have so many regrets, so many stupid choices. Can't I go back and just fix them now that I've realized them? "No you can't, dumb dumb head, because you're STILL making those inane choices." (ie. you're sitting at home on a Wednesday in your underwear, writing on your blog, instead of being dressed all in black at Macy's...good one.) Of course, I can trace all the bad things back to a single starting point, and at least I can put some of the blame onto my parents. Their screw-ups snowballed and began my own screw-ups, which have not begun to snowball. At least I don't have any children to inspire to screw up. If I had just gone to school and kept my grades up those last 2 years of high school, I might have serious scholarships to keep me in school. If I hadn't ended up at a school chosen by my then-boyfriend instead of by me (stupid, stupid, stupid!), everything would be different. Of course, that doesn't mean it would be better, but definitely different. This is the one bad decision of mine that I'll let slide though, because I've met some amazing people at Montclair State and I wouldn't have met them had I ventured to the school I had planned on going to (coughUMASSAmherstcough).

I can't decide if I'm actually just a horrible person or if I just mess up a lot. But then if it were the latter, you think I'd learn from my mistakes. I hope I'm not a horrible person. I honestly don't try to be.